I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”