@KentWGraham

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

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@taladorei

with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.

@consensualcline

Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho

@matt___nelson

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

@Book_Krazy

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

@KattsDogma

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

@MoneypennyNaked

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

@Gupton68

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

@jonnysun

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?