I got expelled from school on pajama day.

It’s not my fault I sleep naked.

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My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.


Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.


I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers


G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas


ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”


I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.


ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.


*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.


ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?