“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I got expelled from school on pajama day.
It’s not my fault I sleep naked.
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Husband: Let’s role play.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Priest: What is your name?
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Your stick-figure family of 6 really isn’t necessary. No one sees your minivan and mistakes you for wild and single.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?