@UncleDuke1969
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
@atanenhaus
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
@mommajessiec
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
@girl_a_whirl
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
@ktmcburr
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
@Geaux2Girl
Your stick-figure family of 6 really isn’t necessary. No one sees your minivan and mistakes you for wild and single.
@chuuew
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
@KattsDogma
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
@amandakem
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
@boring_as_heck
Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?
@Pigeonlov