Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
there’s probably a fee though
My birthstone is kidney
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂