@trevso_electric: Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend's birth control that says, "guess u don't want 2 have my babies haha."

@Loli_Sug: Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

@EndhooS: *Bursts into bank* Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bank clerk: No that's clearly a shotgun 2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

@MrRamBillings: Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!

@McNarstle: "He's gone too far." "He crossed the line between science & ethics." "He's playing God." -reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets