Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

hmmm

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman