I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.