Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?