Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

About to throw up

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.