I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.