Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Nomnomnomnom

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!