Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Best seat on the street 😍

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Worst Native American name ever.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.