Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.