Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

How to properly lift a body

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Oceanography is all about current events

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Holy crap this is wonderful

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.