I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.