I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”