I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
😂😂
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Yup….perfect score!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it