Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.