I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.