I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
never stops being funny
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.