Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

😐

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.