Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

I know karate and tons of other words.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”