Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Saw this yesterday lol

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is