I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Pretty much! 😂👀
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
