I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.