I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
As a doctor, I can confirm
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher