I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
why am i having trouble navigating this map??