Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

50 shades of grey = my Liver

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear