I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*