I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My blood type is b hungry.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
