Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”