I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
No laws when master is gone
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.