I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.


*Buys new iPhone*
*Crosses road tweeting about it*
*Makes entry in heaven* –
Sent via iPhone.


She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.


Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?


My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?


My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?


the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.


A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.


“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”

ME: Ok great

*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*


He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.


Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.