In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes