Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?