Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED