I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.


*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*


Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.


I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.


I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad


*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card


Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag


Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.


A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.


Rejected names for lumberjacks:


GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this