I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.