I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”