Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Never mess with a drunken pig.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

Mornin

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”