Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’