I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Go girl power!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.