Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.