I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Give a baker flours on your first date.