I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
They’re the worst 😩
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567