I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
