I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
me when somebody idk start touching me
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
