Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Cha-ching is my safe word

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.