I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
So sorry
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Split the bill
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke