I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?