I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens