I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved