I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
You Might Also Like
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.