I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce