I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
selfie game
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.