Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys