I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?