I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said ānevermindā ššš¤£ FIRST OF ALL
![]()
You Might Also Like
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
āSo do we have super glue?ā
Iād pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If itās the thought that matters, I had a shower today š
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! IāM SHEET-FACED.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworkerās closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isnāt my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didnāt anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Wife: an asteroid is on itās way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you havenāt left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style youāre not really parenting.
If you let me, shearās what Iāll do. Iāll take hair off ewe
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishmā
āSee that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.ā
-Oh really? Why?
āBecause I lost my tennis racquet.ā
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, āWell, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.ā
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: Youāre a hero.
Guy: Anyone couldāve done it.
Mom: Youāre so humble.
Guy: Yes, Iām Super Modest.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriendās been kidnapped
āstay calm sir, whatās ur girlfriendās nameā
oh she goes to another school u wouldnāt know her
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit heās skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop āhelpingā!
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, thatās hardcore
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word āromanceā through the door, so if you need me Iāll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
āBut I donāt want to, Dad!ā
āToughā
āThe people are horribleā
āYouāre still goingā[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so Iām back
Donāt text me that youāre gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldnāt recommend it, but Iād admire you.
Iām so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they donāt even ask
You know youāre old when you get a āYou up?ā textā¦.
And itās 8:25 p.m.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Iām single by choice. Just not my choice.