Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.