Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

True freaking story!

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!