Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great first step 😂

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue: