“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
You Might Also Like
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.