“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
You Might Also Like
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
We have a winner.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
