“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.