“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
You Might Also Like
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.