I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.