Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

💻🤡

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

☠️

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Banana is the quietest snack

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.