I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
looks legit