I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
😏😏😏
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
HERE’S MARKY