Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

😂🐾

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.