I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Good morning.
