I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.