I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
rise and shine we got egg
