Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.