Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”