I got invited to an acquaintanceâs baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this womanâs baby a freaking dog toy. đ
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isnât the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: I donât understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because youâre an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because Iâm a single dad
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I donât know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys letâs get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt itâs a thing weâre doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little⌠off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I love when people apologize for ânot tweeting much latelyâ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Judge: So, you donât know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. Iâm good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[bank heist]
rob: whatâs the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: itâs ârobâ
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
opens dishwasherâŚ
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! Iâm so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) Thatâs ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friendâs younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I donât want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Barista wonât write âAir Bud was bullshitâ on my coffee cup. Weâve been arguing for 20 minutes. HEâS A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because theyâre so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why arenât you helping me??
*starts to help*
Youâre doing it wrong! Let me do it!
THEM: Hey, I havenât seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Maâam, I was talking about the eye chart.
This earthquake was the first time that Iâve ever said, âit was 4.7, but felt bigger.â