Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”