Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.