Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend