I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty