Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

pelicons

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet