I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Children of the corn 🌽
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.